Martial Art

I know Karate, Kung Fu, Boxing, and other Martial Arts Words.

Naked: the cheapest costume

Amnesia

Does anyone have a pair of amnesia that i could borrow?

Operator

"operator, get me 911"

"911"


"911,do you have any job vacancies?"

scream

you say scream, i say verbally over-sound.

Today

Today's regret brought to you by a large size of pizza, a big bag of potato chips, 3 scoops of ice cream and 2 cups of coffee.

Whenever

whenever there is a will, there is a meme.

You had me

You had me at "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY STUFF?"

Dolphins

Dolphins are so smart!
within a few weeks of captivity, they can train human to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

¡ʎɐp ɐ ʇɐɥʍ

dℸǝɥ

'ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ ʎq 'ƃuıℸıǝɔ ǝɥʇ oʇ ǝɯ pǝdɐʇ ʇɔnp ǝuoǝɯos

¡ʎɐp ɐ ʇɐɥʍ

officer...

you're not happy,

i'm not happy,

let's just end this thing right now,






officer.

LOL

Forget LOL, i use INRLOLBTWMF; I'm Not Really Laughing Out Loud But That Was Mildly Funny

Been

Been there, done nothing.

Smart

Smart people never do stupid things,



alone.

Duct Tape

If i ever need your opinion,


i'll remove the duct tape.

Fool Me

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, are we dating?

Tastes like shit!

I took a friend of mine to one of my favorite restaurants for lunch. She is a very hard-to-please person. She started complaining about the delay in receiving the menu card, in receiving the food etc. When the food came and we started eating:

Her: Ugh, this tastes like shit!

Me: Wow, you've tasted shit before?

Her: o_O

The Wish

I was talking to my friend the other day.

Me: If god would grant you one wish, what would you wish for?

Him: I wish I would look like Tom Cruise.

Me: Dude! God is granting one wish of yours, not doing the impossible.

Him: 0_0

Sleep

(•̮̮̃•̃) :"what r u doing?"
(͡๏̯͡๏) :"trying to sleep"
(•̮̮̃•̃) :"with eyes wide open?"
(͡๏̯͡๏) :"i need to close my eyes?"
(0_̃0̃) :...

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. - The Greatest Gift

Phoebe is nt able to decide whether to carry her step-brothers baby or not.
Monica: Phoebe, you should do this. Its the best gift you can give to a person.
Chandler: You're carrying their baby and giving them a playstation?

Hello?

My friend calls up on my residence no. I take the call.
Me: Hello.
My friend: Dude you at home?
Me: Nope, im nt at home. Leave a msg after your brain implodes due to ur stupidity.

For some reason, he cut the call.

Bath Time

My mom: Go take a bath instead of wasting ur time.
Me: Later
My mom: Then help me in the household chores.
Me: No, im going to take a bath.

Run

Don't run from your problems,takes a car or a plane,you might need it to go someplace far. :P

iPad

Him:"wow,those iPad things are really cool" me:"not trying to impress, is iPad shuffle means anything?" him:0_0

Fast food

If fast food are bad for you,go and eat snails

Facebook

Facebook : a place where you can talk to walls and no one think you're crazy

Slower

Him:"any slower creature than snails?" me:"dead animal,it didnt move" him:0_0

Someplace

Him:"haven't i seen you someplace before?" me:"yes,that's why i don't go there anymore" him:0_0

Sucks

Him:"tell me one thing that does not sucks in this world!" me:"fan,it blows" him:0_0

Menu

Waiter:"do you have any question about the menu?" him:"are these all food?" waiter:"yes" him:"its so hard to spell,are they easy to swallow?" waiter:0_0

Chuck Norris

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Living

Him:"what do u do for living?" me:"breathing" him:0_0

PROCRASTINATION

I want to be a procrastinator, but i think ill start tomorrow.

Jerk

Me:"you're such a jerk!,how did u sleep at night?" him:"with both eyes closed" me:"duh" him:"duh backatcha"

The dog

Me:"why did u choose this as ur web host?" him:"the dog made me" me:0_0

Awake

Dad:"are u awake yet?" me:"not yet" dad:"then who's answering?" me:"the voice inside her head" dad:0_0

Advice

Him:"what the best advice your mom gave u?" me:"she said 'go ask your dad'" him:0_0

Invented

Him:"i admired him,i think he invented something big" me:"invented what?" him:"a see through glasses" me:0_0

Dead

Him:"are u alive?" me:"no,i'm drop dead gorgeous" him:0_0

ELECTRICITY

One day when we were in college the electricity suddenly went. It came back after like 2 minutes. I asked my friend 'Wow, imagine how would it be like if there was no electricity' and she tells me, 'Yup, would be difficult... We would have to watch tv in candlelight'. Me: 0_0

THE CALL

My friend was sitting next to me in class today and his girlfriend was on my other side.
My friend: Dude jus call my girl, gotta tell her something.
Me: You crazy or what? Why should i call her? Shes sitting right next to me.
Him: O_O

TV

TV : something to keep your remote control busy

Sleep

Him:"do u ever sleep?" me:"i do,infact i realy good at it,especially with my eyes closed" him:0_0

Busy dad

Dad:"son,whr r u?i pick u frm school" son:"whr were u dad?" dad:"i'm at the front gate of ur high school" son:0_0 "dad! i'm at college now" dad:"oh"

Lost

Me:"why r u crying?" kid:"i'm lost,i want to go hom" me:"where do u live?" kid:"near the gas station" me:"where's the gas station at?" kid:"near my house" me:0_0

Headache

Headache : something to remind you that you still have head

Lifebox's T-shirt label

"these T-shirt were tested on animals.They didn't fit."

Coffee

Doc:"wht could be the problem?" patient:"every time i drink my coffee my eye hurts" doc:"take out the spoon from your coffee cup before you drink it!" patient:"oh,i see.."

True friend

A true friend will never let you do stupid things...alone

Judge

Don't judge a book by its cover,judge a magazine by its cover!

Dog

A:"what do you call a dog with 1 leg? B:"no matter what you call it,it ain't gonna come"

Late

Teacher:"why r you late?" student:"a guy was stalking me" teacher:"so..?" student:"he walk too slow" teacher:0_0

Bikers

At the back of a biker's jacket :"if you can read this,my girlfriend just fell off"

Foot

Foot : a device to detect a furniture in the dark.

Insomnia

Sleep is the cure for insomnia

Sleep

Him:"are you sleeping?" me:"no,i just take a good look inside my eyelid,you?" him:"i'm blinking longer" me::D

Waldo

I went to a bookstore to buy where's waldo book,i cant find it anywhere! Well played waldo..well played

Therefore

I'm not sure,therefore i have doubt

Smart

The ultimate smart move is : which by that you can make the stupid people to shut up.

Punch

I didn't punch him officer,he fell down on my fist...five times

Slap

I didn't slap you,i high fived your face!

ADVENTUROUS ME

My friend walks in to my room when I was sleeping, wakes me up and asks 'Dude you sleeping?'
Me : Nope, i got over adventurous today.
Him : Huh? Watd you do?
Me : I was hanging on the fan. I fell on the bed and got knocked out. Thx for reviving me.
Him : 0_0

Homework

Him:"this homework is too difficult!" me:"get your brain together!" him:"right..."

Cool

Him:"you're cool!" me:"thanks,you're not so hot yourself" him:0_0

0_0

A:"is that the moon?" B:"no,its the sun" A:"i believe its the moon!" B:"i dont think so!" A:"let's ask! excuse me sir,is that the moon or the sun?" C:"oh,i'm sorry dont ask me,i'm new around here"

Snail

Me:"what are u afraid of?" him:"snails" me:"what? Isn't that like the slowest creature?" him:"yeah, i'm too lazy to run,it might get me someday.." me: (-_-')

sheeps

Him: "Did you know it takes three sheep to make one sweater?" Me:"I didn't even know sheep could knit." Him:0_0

CN

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand

CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, Chuck Norris invented all the colours of the spectrum. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

:P

Ask no question,i shall not answer.

#OMGquotes

End discrimination. Hate everybody.

#OMGquotes

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless i buy something..

#OMGquotes

When life gives you lemons,squirt lemon juice in your enemies eyes.

Trouble

The trouble with eating food is that two or four hours later you’re hungry again..

#OMGquotes

If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.

CN

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways
by : @dennis_gill

Stupid

Him:"my boss is so stupid,he asked me to buy a car and gave me $100" me:"yeah,thats impossibly stupid!" him:"he is so stupid he doesn't know today is Sunday and car's shop are closed! I better go there on Monday" me:0_0

move on

Him:"its time for me to move on" me:"good,i'll help u pack" him:"i'll take the attic" me:0_0

A blonde

Me:"how do u recognise a blonde at a car wash?" him:"from their hair color?" me:"duh! no" him:"how?" me:"he's the one whos on a bike" him:-grin-

Oxymoron

Him:"what an oxymoron?" me:"those moron who takes over ur oxygens" him:"huh?"

Plan c

Him:"is this plan B?" me:"nope,this is definitely plan C" him:"what is plan C?" me:"the one next to plan B" him:0_0

Listening

Him:"are u listening to me?" me:"u didnt say anything" him:"really?" me:0_0

breathe

Me:"you breathe oxygen?"
Him:"yes"

Me:"wow! we have so much in common"
Him:0_0

Question of the day

Do pet doctors talk more to their clients than your doctor talking to you? (this question does not apply if you are a cat, dog or squirrel.)

by @besZ

i know

Me:"i know what u did last night!"
Him:"OMG! What?"

Me:"you were...sleeping!"
Him:0_0

brain

Me:"ouch! i think i hurt my brain"
Him:"what happened?"

Me:"oh..it's gone now!"
Him:"the pain?

Me:"nope, the brain"
Him:*grin*

invisible ink

Me:"How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"
Him: ...

pessimistic

Me:"No sense being pessimistic"
Him:"why?"

Me:"It wouldn't work anyway.."
Him:0_0

famous

Him:"are you someone famous?"
Me:"i will,after i stab you"
Him:0_0

just asking

Me:"are you on facebook?"
Him:"yes"

Him:"you will add me there?"
Me:"nope,just asking"

Him:0_0

knock knock joke

Me:"Knock, Knock!"
Him:"who's there?"

Me:"Nobel"
Him:"Nobel who?"

Me:"No bell at the door !,that's why I knocked!"

confused

Him:"bla..bla..bla.."
Me:*scratching head*

Him:"why are you scratching your head?"
Me:"well,i don't want to scratch your head when I'm confuse"

Him:0_0

camera

Me:"Where's my sony cybershot camera?"
Him:"i didn't borrow it"
Me:"are you sure?"
Him:"yes!"
Me:"i mean,are you sure i have that camera?"
Him:0_0

allergic

Him:"bla..bla..bla.."
Me:"haachooo!!" *sneezing*
Him:"you've got cold?"
Me:"no,I'm allergic to bullshit"
Him:0_0

Noise

Me:"whats that noise?"
Him"a hat just fell"
Me:"with that noise?how come?"
Him:"oh,the hat fell with the one who's wearing it"
Me:0_o

Talking

Him:"Are you talking to me?"
Me:"Did you see my lips moving?"
Him:"no"
Me:"there you go"
Him*scratching head*

exactly

Me:"shut up!"
Him:" i didn't say anything"
Me:"exactly!"
Him:0_0

watch my eating

Him:"What are you doing?"
Me:"Docter asked me to watch my eating,so i eat in front of a mirror"
Him:0_0

barber

Me:"How did the barber win the race?"
Him:"He knew a shortcut"

$50

Him:"can i borrow $50 from you?"
Me:" i only have $20"
Him:"ok,i'll take that,so you owe me $30"
Me:0_0

ceiling

Me:"wow,look at the sky with those stars"
Him:"what sky? thats my ceiling,i never clean them up"
Me: 0_0